I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
