you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Randomize
