God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
