my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
