I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
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BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
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Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
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