God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
