Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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