I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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