i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
You may now shotgun with the bride
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
