xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
