Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
