My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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