God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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