My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
