11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Randomize
