I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
