Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
