i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
