kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Randomize
