Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
