We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
