Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
