i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
