He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
