last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Randomize
