He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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