if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Randomize
