I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
