paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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