in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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