I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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