Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
