____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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