Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
whose parrot is this?
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
