He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
