I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
