I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
