I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
