You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
