Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
