My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I currently don't understand fingers.
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