When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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