mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
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It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
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I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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