I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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