I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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