my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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