i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
