He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
