So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize