Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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