Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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