he wants to bone in the snuggie
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
In other news, I just burned my penis
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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